Why networking makes your brain think you're in danger

and how to navigate it

“I actually hate your website and think it’s awful.”

My friends that was a literal opening line from someone new we met at a networking event at SXSW last week. Followed by:

“You’re 28? I thought you were much older. That hairstyle is not doing you any favours”

For those wondering the hairstyle in question was a slick back bun.

Although this interaction left much to be desired, it did catapult me into a deep think about our aversion to networking and why it makes us so uncomfortable (not specifically in regards to this interaction as I think the ick is obvious).

Is it because your being vulnerable and putting yourself out there? Is it that we inherently feel gross about self-promotion? Is it the fear of being rejected by the group?

Transparently, I’m known as someone who can talk to a brick wall and can probably count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been icked out. Bell on the other hand would find walking on hot coals more pleasant than going to a traditional networking event solo.

So the research spiral started and here are the most interesting things I found out plus some ways to make networking better:

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1. Your Brain Thinks Networking Is a Threat

From a neurological perspective, professional networking mimics social danger.

Studies show that social-evaluative situations ( those where you’re being observed, judged, or compared) activate the amygdala and trigger cortisol spikes (Dickerson & Kemeny, 2004). We were actually evolved to socialise in small, stable groups, not rooms full of unfamiliar faces which is why you might feel your body physically relax when you see a familiar face.

In fMRI studies, moments of social rejection or exclusion activate the same neural circuitry as physical pain (Eisenberger, Lieberman & Williams, 2003). So that discomfort of a lukewarm introduction or forced small talk, can actually make you feel like your being stabbed (I’m being dramatic, but you get the picture). It is all in your head, but your head is making you feel like there’s a dire & imminent threat to your safety.

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2. Networking Makes Us Feel Morally Not Good

In one foundational study (Casciaro et al., 2014), people who imagined networking for career gain reported feeling morally impure. So much to the point of craving hand sanitizer, this was nicknamed the Macbeth affect (which I’m obsessed with).

A more recent 2020 study by Zoé Ziani argued against this and found that people don’t necessarily feel impure when networking — they feel guilty. Why? Because they’re aware they might be objectifying others: treating people as tools, not humans.

What is interesting is even trying to balance that guilt with the motive of helping others didn’t erase that discomfort. Guilt persisted because the act still violated their moral integrity code.

So although networking isn’t unethical, it sure makes our bodies feel that way.

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3. Networking Violates Our Relationship Norms

Social psychology draws a key distinction between two types of relationships:

• Communal relationships — those built on care, authenticity, and emotional reciprocity. You give because you want to. Community, friendships, family etc.

• Exchange relationships — those built on mutual benefit and fairness. You give because you expect something in return. Managers, landlords etc.

Networking usually lives in the exchange camp, but most of us are wired, emotionally and neurologically, for the communal one.

Studies in social neuroscience show that communal interactions light up the brain’s social bonding network — areas like the medial prefrontal cortex and insula, which regulate empathy, connection, and trust. When we feel genuine rapport, those circuits reward us with dopamine and oxytocin, the chemistry of belonging.

But when we sense ulterior motives, the brain quietly shifts gears. The dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, which handles calculation and self-monitoring, takes over, suppressing the very circuits that make connection feel good.

In other words, our brains can literally feel when a social exchange stops being mutual and starts being strategic.

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So how do we navigate this?

Reframe why you’re going

• Traditionally we place a lot of pressure on ourselves to talk to as many people in the room, ensure we get in front of a certain person, schmooze etc. to get value out of an event.

• Reframe this in a way that aligns better with deepening relationships. For example I want to have 2 meaningful conversations with new people about their current projects or I want to ask one person about this problem I’m having.

• Goals help give structure to open situations that might be more anxiety inducing, but aiming for depth not quantity will also help to rid of that ick feeling.

Find networking opportunities/events that don’t fit the normal mould

• There are more events coming up that are great networking opportunities, but aren’t confined to a traditional format (shameless plug for Ponnd Events if your in Sydney).

• Although the premise is the same they operate in a more relaxed or intimate format that feels less forced.

• Look for co-working sessions, intimate in-conversations, panels around topics your interested in, late night cafe’s etc.

Follow-up afterwards when your feeling more like yourself

• Honestly if all else goes to shit and you panic post ice breaker, there’s always the follow-up post event.

• Even if you didn’t get in the in-depth conversation, you can slide into dms or emails and hit them with a didn’t get a chance to say hello but….

Bonus: If you can see the guest list of the event pre you could always

1. scout for any mutuals or

2. outreach cold to someone you find interesting. Then you have a new connection along with an event partner.

Disclaimer: I actually need to say we are currently working through a website refresh to evolve with our vision, but you can goddam bet it isn’t because of the unknown source at the top of this article.

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Lots of love,

Remi xx